


Scotland

by Love_is_pain



Series: they say love is pain (but it's in our veins) [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-03-22 16:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 17,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13768269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Love_is_pain/pseuds/Love_is_pain
Summary: It was the way they’d always talked when they skated. Under their breaths, inaudible to the common ear.Scott adjusted the rearview mirror, eyes setting on Kaitlyn who had instantly drifted off to sleep. He let out a deep breath.“I don’t like any of this. It’s...” For a moment, his eyes softened.She could feel his walls crumbling finally ready to let her in. But the GPS, alerting him of the upcoming turn, roused Kaitlyn from her nap.Tessa could see the exact moment he closed back up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Shoutout to our lovely editor for all the work she did on this monster of a story!

Finding a worn wooden bench to sit on, Tessa looked out at the dark ocean and the waves that licked the rocks lining the shore. The brisk sea breeze whistled through the night air causing Tessa to adjust her scarf to hold in her body warmth. There were about twenty people around, many of them in the process of finding seats on the large stones that gathered around the fire. An older man played the bagpipes while several strangers intermingled amongst each other. As she glanced around the bonfire, her eyes easily located him sitting on a rock, Kaitlyn pressed up against him. His arms held her close to his body, shielding her from the cold.

Tessa looked back to the ocean, again adjusting her scarf. She took a deep breath of the cool, country air. _He’s happy, so be happy for him. Don’t be a child Tessa_.

She had spent the weeks prior to this trip reminding herself of that fact. Repeating to herself that it would be alright, eventually she would have to get used to this. However, there were lingering feelings that at times crept up on her, making her stomach knot with anxiety. She liked knowing that he was always there to protect her, to comfort her, and to catch her if ever she fell. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case anymore and Tessa was still trying to come to terms with that. She wondered how someone would ever get used to that. After 17 years it felt like losing a limb.

"Hello," an older brown haired woman stood beside her, interrupting her thoughts as she gestured to the open space. “Can I sit?” It struck her how much this woman reminded her of her late grandmother, instantly enveloping her in a sense of warmth. A part of her felt as if she could tell this stranger anything.

"Oh absolutely.” Tessa shifted allowing for more room. “I'm Tessa."

"I know. I'm Silvia." Silvia sat, stretching her legs out in front of herself and placing her hands in her knees.

"Oh... Are you a skating fan?"

Silvia nodded. They sat in a comfortable silence for a moment before Silvia spoke again, "I watched you guys in Sochi, you were beautiful."

"Thank you." Tessa answered with a polite nod.

Silvia glanced at Tessa with a slow blink and then looked away. "You even had me believe." The wind seemed to blow her words away. Tessa wondered if she'd misheard her.

"Sorry?" Tessa asked, perplexed.

Silvia lifted her chin slightly, encouraging Tessa to follow her gaze to Scott and Kaitlyn. "You guys really aren't together?"

Tessa laughed loudly, feigning amusement. "No no, we're not. We're just really good friends, I mean best friends." Her heart thudded nervously, hoping this was the end of that topic. She didn't know how long her press conference smile could last.

"I'm sure time will tell. And space. Anyways, I'm off to bed. Lovely meeting you, Tessa." With a gentle touch of Tessa's shoulder Silvia rose to her feet. As another gust of wind blew, Tessa stood as well.

"Uhm I'll walk back with you," Tessa added shoving her hands into the tiny pockets of her jacket. On any usual occasion she wouldn't leave an event before saying goodnight to Scott, sparking him to leave as well. But this was different. They were not Tessa and Scott here. She was Tessa Virtue and he was Scott Moir. Scott Moir and _Kaitlyn Lawes_.

The older woman looked somewhat surprised at the young woman’s sudden desire to be anywhere else but there. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?"

"I'm not one for parties."

Silvia could sense the tiredness as Tessa shuffled forward, coat clutched close to her chest as if to protect her from anything-- or anyone. "The night's young and so are you dear. With a good fire and good company how could you possibly want to be in your room?"

Tessa really did not want to argue. "I didn't sleep too well last night so I think it's probably for the best."

_That hadn't been a total lie. She hadn't been sleeping since Sochi but who was keeping track?_

"I'm not exactly a fun person when sleep-deprived."

She was grateful when the subject was dropped in place of ambling back up the twisted path to the castle away from the ocean in silence.

The trip was mostly mum save for the wind whistling through the grass and swells of water crashing against the sand in the background. She appreciated the peaceful quiet that stilled the turmoil rattling through her head.

And-- she really did think she was home safe once the giant stone abode that was their hotel came into view. Only a few steps left and she'd been able to shut out herself to all the noise and heartbreak this "vacation" brought on.

Of course, Silvia had to ask the question. The question that never ceased to throw her entire world off kilter for the few seconds she'd have to deal with it.

"What happens now?"

Now meaning once she reached her room? Or once she woke up in the morning and had to deal with heart eyes over tasteless oatmeal?

Or now being when she stepped off the plane, tiredly searching out her mom in London? It could possibly mean once she and Scott officially announced their retirement and future plans, but she was too emotionally drained to even think of that now.

"I don't know." She said truthfully, not even completely sure why she was telling this to a woman she had just met. "I think I'm going to take a bath and then crawl into bed with a good book."

The look on Silvia's face told her that wasn't the answer the woman wanted. "Sounds like a lovely night. I'll see you tomorrow Ms. Tessa."

With that she was gone leaving her in the dimly lit hallway. She retrieved her key, methodically sliding the cool metal into the lock before pushing the heavy door open. The dark room flooded with light as she switched on the lamp, bathing the worn furniture in a warm glow.

It took her a few moments to realize that for the first time that day, she was utterly alone. Away from Michael and Miku. Away from Silvia and the kind elderly man that helped her hold the owl. Away from Kaitlyn and Scott. Tessa was all by herself and she didn’t know what could be worse.

After what felt like hours of trying to fall asleep, Tessa opened her eyes. She knew better than to check the time which would only ramp up her anxiety. The room was completely dark save the moonlight streaming in through the window casting shadows on the furniture. Tessa inhaled and flipped over to her side but her breath caught in her throat and she began to cry. Muffled tears fell into her pillow and her shoulders shook gently with every rough breath. She was too tired to even try to understand why she was crying. 

 

___________________________________________

  

The light warmed Tessa’s face as it peeked through the curtains the next morning. She felt rejuvenated from a restful second half of the night. So she wasted no time dressing herself in her favourite comfy sweater and the rainboots she knew were destined to be covered in mud.

In the dining hall, she avoided the healthy choice of oatmeal and instead accepted the plate of cinnamon french toast, dousing it in a healthy serving of syrup. She took a seat at the table filled with complete strangers and when the conversation broke, she took her time to chew and swallow before introducing herself as just ‘Tessa’. Not Tessa Virtue that was certain to follow Scott Moir. She was quickly accepted into this group of 40-something adults, who all loved her humorous comments about how 4 p.m. karaoke was an excuse for afternoon champagne. With little convincing Tessa accepted an invitation to join them on an early afternoon boat trip into the caves.

She found a seat amongst her new set of friends all donned in bright orange life jackets-- Paul from Newfoundland who was married to Kathy and owned a farm, Renee from Saskatchewan who just became a grandma (she was still cool, she insisted), Mark and Laurie, and then Johnny Reid, a country singer.

“Don’t we look silly in these?” Silvia pulled at the nylon fabric.

“Oh no, I definitely think the orange make my eyes pop.” Tessa joked sparking a chorus of laughter.

“The orange makes me look tanned!” Laurie added, whose life jacket seemed to reflect her face.

“It really brings out the greys in your hair,” her husband teased back.

Tessa’s noticed her face was sore from all the laughing. Vast open space of blue water surround her, miles from home on a boat of strangers turned friends, she seemingly managed to find happiness in the current circumstances.

The rest of the day seemed to fly by as they explored the wonders of the caves and learned about the tales that surrounded them. They searched by water and by foot, the entire group in awe at the works of nature.

It was late afternoon by the time group had decided to return. After grabbing snacks from the dining hall, they headed to the bar for a karaoke session. Johnny had bought the group the earlier discussed champagne. The session turned sing-a-long as the small crowd became loud enough to accompany the singer at the mic. When the last song had been sung, the group, buzzed on champagne, parted ways for down time before dinner. Tessa nearly skipped back to her room, passing out for a solid power nap before getting ready for the evening's festivities.

Showering away the outdoor grime, she chose a black halter cocktail dress and piled her hair in a bun. She chose a pair of low heels, promising that she was doing herself a favor walking down the several steps of the castle.

She arrived in the formal dining room only a few moments late, taking a seat at the corner of the table across from Kathy whom seems to be in a tense whisper conversation with her husband. Sitting quietly with her head down so as not to interrupt the quiet argument across the table, Tessa examined the pattern on the plate. She made note of the tiny pink flowers and gold rims when a soft hand landed on her shoulder, gently sweeping into the crevice of her neck as a glass of white wine was placed in front her. Despite a momentary tense at first touch, her muscle relaxed under his fingers.

“It’s a sweet one, you’ll like it.” He whispered from behind her, hand trailing from her shoulder to rest on her bare low back. His thumb stroked gentle circles as he continued. “Haven’t seen you all day kiddo, what have you been up to?”

His charming demeanor and percipient knowledge of her likes and dislikes already had her smiling as she looked up at him. “I’ve been around. I went on the early trip to the caves then karaoke.” Tessa slid sideways on her chair, orienting her body toward him. Scott’s hand, no long able to maintain its contact, settled for the back of her chair. He leaned forward to talk to her and she couldn’t help but notice his perfectly spiked hair. She thinks to herself how handsome he would look if it was a bit longer.

“Karaoke?” Scott said with a smirk. “Tessa Virtue doesn’t sing without a glass of--”

“Champagne,” Tessa answered, nibbling on her bottom lip.

“She sang wonderfully.” Tessa looked over her shoulder, unaware of the appearance of Silvia slipping into the chair next to her.

“Oh I’m sorry, I missed quite a show. I’m Scott.” He held his hand out to greet Silvia, who readily accepted it. The dinner bell rang signaling guests to take a seat at the table.“We’ll talk more tonight, you have to save me a dance.” He turned to find his table before glancing back at her. “Oh and Tessa? You look beautiful. Enjoy the wine.”

Tessa reached for the wine glass, noticing the print of his lips on the edge of the glass. He tasted it to ensure she’d like it.

She felt Silvia’s gaze on her as she placed the glass back down. Somehow the older woman knew that even in that short encounter, he’d managed to melt the edges of the ice she’d covered her heart in.

Silvia reached over and to give her hand a gentle squeeze before releasing.

That night, Tessa really did try to maintain the glow she forced herself to create when she woke that morning. All through dinner she chatted happily with her new friends, ignoring the pointed looks from Silvia-- when had the woman become able to read her better than her closest friends? She had no idea but she could feel her eyes picking her apart to the empty shell she worked so hard to disguise-- and slight concern from Scott. What did he have to worry about anyway? He appeared to be having a grand ol' time with Kaitlyn at the other end of the table. The two reeked of _together_ as he whispered in her ear (just like he'd done after the Short Dance in Sochi during dinner with their parents) and fed her small nibbles of food off of his plate. She doesn't even want to think about that one time in Japan when they got drunk and he'd teased her with strawberries before feeding the sweet fruit to her in between drunken kisses.

So, maybe she drinks a little too much wine. The specially curated alcohol burns it's way down her throat, coating the world in a fuzzy glow. Her laughs become longer and less uptight, her body significantly more relaxed and her mind at peace. She barely even registered the meal come to a close as the chairs scraped backwards. People murmured about some bar and performance which frankly sounded better than wallowing alone in her room again so she leaned against Silvia as they made their way to some other dark part of the castle. She briefly spotted Scott, arm and arm with Kaitlyn, giggling like school children and she quickly tried to shove away the anger that became bitter in her mouth.

_This is a good night Tessa. We are having a good time. You're going to be listening to some good music with good friends. Stop feeling sorry for yourself._

By the time they reach the bar, she started to feel the mask slip away. She realized maybe she shouldn't have had that much wine. Wine had the tendency to make her emotional and that was the last thing she needed right now.

"They are such a lovely couple you know?"

For a moment, she forgot they were not talking about her partner. "Hmmm? Oh yeah they are great." She sat shakily on a wooden chair, eyes cast downward on the table so that no one (see: Scott) could make out the storm raging in her eyes.

"Have you heard them sing before?" Silvia continued to try to bring her back to reality. "Such a beautiful voice. And he's such a perfect match with his piano."

Another drink is placed in front of her, taking her by surprise as her hands close around the damp glass. She doesn't even need to look up to know whose hand has found purchase on her lower back once again. "Thought you might want to get a little taste of Scotland."

"If I didn't know any better I'd think you'd be trying to get me drunk." She turned to face him, all of the earlier thoughts gone with a wide smile. "First the wine and now this."

He held his hands up in mock defense. "I just wanna make sure my best friend is well taken care of."

She hopes he can't hear her heart splinter painfully.

Clearing her throat, she glanced around looking for the dirty blonde curler. "Where's Kaitlyn?"

Scott let his eyes drift around the pub. "She's getting us a seat closer to the band. Apparently the closer you are the better the sound or something." He didn't look particularly pleased with this but she squeezed his arm, trying to reassure him that it was actually a great idea.

"Tell Miku and Michael I said hi. Now go sit down it's about to start."

Shooting her the most dazzling smile, he pressed a kiss to her cheek (which to onlookers would appear as nothing more than a friendly exchange) before sliding away to the other side of the room where he settled into a chair identical to hers.

"You should tell him." Silvia's voice startled her.

"Tell him what?" She responded defensively, praying for the conversation to be forgotten as the band warmed up with a few rifts. "There's nothing to say." Silvia read her mind, dropping the subject completely. "I hope they play my favorite."

For the next hour and a half, Tessa forgot. The music drew her in, touching her heart the way life had failed to do so over the last few months. She felt warm and happy, laughing along with the rest of the crowd as the husband and wife brought down the house with hearty tunes.

Tessa was nearly asleep by the time they were almost done. There was nothing but contentment that filled her and she thought maybe she was just a little bit tipsy.

The melancholy notes didn’t even register with her until the familiar lyrics called her attention to the stage.

All of sudden she remembered. Remembered the little moments and the big moments and the moments that seemed insignificant in the scheme of things. Moments where nothing else had mattered but him. She couldn’t help it. Her eyes feel like they were forced by fate to find his. No part of her was expecting to meet them. She thought she'd meet his tousled brown hair, arm wrapped around his girlfriend's back. Instead she was treated to his deep brown irises staring back at her.

In that instant, part of her knew he felt it too. Felt their relationship fall in line with the dips of tone and scales. They couldn't break eye contact as he searched her eyes for answers.

(Like always, he found them. There wasn't a single thing Scott Moir couldn't understand about her. No matter how hard she barricaded herself away he always found a way to break her down.)

Her breath caught in her throat as she swallowed thickly. It was then when she decided she needed to do three things.

_1\. She needed to get out of there._

_2\. She needed to spend the rest of the trip as far away from the man she considered her life._

_and 3. She needed to find a better way to lock away her heart so Scott Moir could never find the key again._


	2. Chapter 2

The eye contact continued as long as it could, long enough for the song to end and the clapping to pull them out of their bubble. As the applause and whistling of the audience echoed throughout the bar, Tessa watched Scott’s eyes break away before anyone could notice.

Tessa took this lack of eye contact as her moment to escape. She bolted from the bar without so much as a nod to Silvia. It was rude, but she couldn’t take it anymore. Sure she didn’t want to admit what it was, but she knew it had to be mutual.

A few minutes had passed before she realized that her hurried walk had put her in an unfamiliar part of the castle, she wanted so badly to scream. To let out the pent up frustration and confusion.

_Damn Scott Moir and damn these Scottish castles._

Eventually she started to recognize her surroundings, breathing easy for the first time that evening. As she was about to turn the corner, Tessa heard footsteps. Slowing to a halt, Tessa peeked behind the wall, barely covering the tiny gasp of air that escaped her mouth.

Scott paced the hall, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. Tessa’s heart pounded against her ribcage as she heard his footsteps getting closer to her. She clutched the wall knowing the inevitable emotional avalanche that would follow any sort of contact. Each approaching footstep tightened the muscles in her neck as the uncontrollable uneasiness started to rise in her throat. But his movement seemed to pause before he reached her. She leaned out to see Scott walk in the other direction, hands threaded through his hair in frustration. He turned on his heels, stopping at Tessa’s door. She watched his arm, poised to knock, but he continued to stand there unable to complete the action. His hand dropped and he began to walk away from her door muttering, “Fuck… What would I even say?”

Tessa found herself sinking to the ground slowly, leaning her head against the wall. Silent tears rolled down her faces and she swiped them away.

 _You should tell him_. Silvia’s earlier words echoed in Tessa’s head. She pushed herself to her feet, somehow finding courage to say something to him. She was greeted to an empty hall.

Surprisingly enough, her tears of frustration made way to anger. _Why didn’t he knock?_ Tessa walked to her door sliding in the key and throwing it open. She did her best despite the weight to slam it closed.

 _How dare he think he can come to my room like that?_   Reaching down Tessa slipped off her heels, tossing them down to the floor. _He doesn’t deserve me_.

Nearly a dozen times that night Tessa’s anger faded at the thought of Scott in the hall outside her door.

She clutched the covers and willed herself not to feel sorry for the man who was breaking. One time she even got up and considered opening the door to check if he was really out there. But she stopped herself, certain that if he was there opening the door to him at this time would only end one way. So she had no choice but to turn her back and surrender to a dreamless sleep.

When Tessa awoke the next morning, it took her a few seconds to remember the night before was just as lousy as her memories served. Her head ached from the half-assed attempt to drown out the pain that had found its way deep into her heart. She let her mind wander briefly to his unexplainable appearance at her door, cogs turning slowly as she grasped for any explanation that might alleviate the ever pressing tension growing between the pair.

But as the sun peeked through the curtains urging her to start her day and push all of the evening's events to the furthest recesses of her brain, she thought back to the faux confidence she'd developed, born from the anger of her tears. A new day helped the feeling return with vigor, launching her off the bed and into a semi-energetic state of preparing for the activities planned.

By the time she arrived to the dining room for breakfast, most of the group had already been seated and was chattering quietly between themselves. With a quick greeting to all of her new friends, she found herself an empty table and ordered herself a coffee while debating which end of the buffet she’d choose--healthy or happy.

"Tessa!" She startled, looking up to find a bubbly Kaitlyn and an almost sheepish looking Scott. "Can we join you?"

There was no reason to say no. And though a part of her burned with jealousy, she knew the brunette had done nothing to deserve any kind of nastiness. So she pasted on what she hoped appeared to be a dazzling smile, gesturing to the silverware set up next to her.

"Please do." She watched as Kaitlyn patted Scott's arm before sliding in next to her.

"Did you sleep well last night? I didn't get a chance to say goodnight before you left,” Kaitlyn asks.

Tessa gave her an apologetic grin. “I was exhausted from all the activities.” She looked to Scott, daring him to call her out on the obvious lie, her smile dripping with the usual press conference fakeness. “But I’m feeling much better this morning.”

Kaitlyn of course did not pick up on the discomfort emanating from her boyfriend. “Oh good. Scott and I were thinking about going for a drive through the country today. Would you like to come?"

“That sounds wonderful.” She kept her eyes locked on his as he visibly tensed. A small part of her felt satisfied with his uneasiness. Even after their talk had petered out into silence, his shoulders still refused to relax. It was as if he didn’t want her anywhere near the two of them. As if the moment they had shared yesterday was a breach of some kind of partner rule.

He was a far cry from the man who’d begged her to become friends with the woman who had stolen his heart.

After a somewhat terse breakfast, she parted from the two with the promise of meeting them at the entrance in an hour. On her way back to the room, she ran into Silvia. “Off for the day?”

“Kaitlyn and Scott invited me to go on a drive with them."

The older woman hid her surprise well, choosing to instead search Tessa's face for some kind of indication that this would cause the young women unhappiness. All she could see was a bright smile and contentment. "What time will you be back?"

"I think we're packing a lunch, so around dinner?"

"Alright then. Have a nice time dear." And with that she watched as the Tessa practically skipped down the hall. There was no trace of the solemn figure she recalled from the past few days. "Oh and Tessa!" The woman and questioned turned, body halfway hidden by the doorway to her room.

Silvia hesitated. "Take lots of good pictures for me."

Tessa couldn't remember a time she had been excited to hang out with one of Scott's SOs. Perhaps all of her previous preparations had made her come to terms with the fact getting to know Kaitlyn would be inevitable. For the life of her, Tessa couldn't understand why she hadn't done this earlier.

She found there wasn't a single bitter bone in her body as the three of them drove through the Scottish countryside. The two of them spent the time giggling like schoolgirls about everything and nothing.

Scott on the other hand couldn't have been moodier. From the moment Tessa slid into the backseat he'd been quiet. And no matter how hard Kaitlyn poked and prodded him to be a part of their "bonding time" he refused in favor of brooding silently to himself. The satisfaction that had struck Tessa earlier had quickly dissipated as she watched the blonde attempt to lighten the mood (though Tessa could tell she was still incredibly oblivious to the extent of his attitude.) So Tessa did what she'd never done before.

She tried to communicate to him that it was ok. That she could be friends with Kaitlyn and get along with the two of them together. That she was okay with it. Hell, if any woman deserved to take him from her this one did. And she tried in every way possible. From posting instagram pictures to taking ridiculous selfies along the highlands. But his sour temperament didn't change. He continued to sulk his way through lunch and several adorable gift shops. By the time they reached their final stop, Tessa had had enough.

"Let's do something crazy."

Kaitlyn stopped in her tracks, turning from the crashing waves to meet her eyes. She smiled. "What were you thinking?"

"Let's go for a swim."

This caught the attention of Scott who had been standing away from them closer to the car. He scoffed, picking up a rock from the dune. "Are you crazy?"

"What?" Tessa replied indignantly. "It'll be fun. Come on! Just to say we did."

The curler tugged on his hand urging him to join. "All three of us together. We could make CBC headlines."

He pulled his hand from her grasp before backing away. "You guys can catch a cold but I'm going to sit here and stay warm."

The two women glanced at each other. Tessa shrugged. "Suit yourself. Come on Kaitlyn, the North Sea is waiting."

They spent little time shedding their clothing as they toddled into the icy water. It took exactly two seconds before the cold forced them out.

Tessa looked at Scott’s solemn face as he stood with his arms crossed over his chest leaning against the car. He said nothing, immediately turning around and heading to the car. Kaitlyn sighed. “Take the front. I think I need a nap.”

The drive was silent save for her chattering teeth. Briefly, she felt the regret for jumping in the ocean seep into her bones, much like the bitter cold.

“Dammit Tessa, you’re shaking.” Scott reached over, turning the heat full blast.

“Thanks,” Tessa mumbled, leaning against the door. After a few moments of quiet she broke the stillness, whispering low enough so that only Scott would hear. “Somethin’ the matter?” It was the way they’d always talked when they skated. Under their breaths, inaudible to the common ear.

Scott adjusted the rearview mirror, eyes settling on Kaitlyn who had instantly drifted off to sleep. Scott let out a deep breath.

“I don’t like any of this. It’s...” For a moment, his eyes softened. She felt his walls crumbling, ready to let her in. But the GPS, alerting him of the upcoming turn, roused Kaitlyn from her nap.

She could see the exact moment he closed back up.

Even when Kaitlyn chattered mindlessly with her, she kept in tune with Scott’s reactions. She sensed the grit of his teeth when she mentioned they hang out in Toronto and the way the muscles in his neck tightened when Kaitlyn mentioned her and Scott’s future. In the back of her mind, Tessa knew that these were things only she would know about him from years of being his other half.

When they got back to the castle, the sun had set, leaving inky black darkness in its wake. She made it only a few steps back to her room before noticing that she was still clutching the towel Kaitlyn had lent her. Running back down the stairs, Tessa was stopped short by the tone of Scott’s voice echoing through the narrow hallways.

“It’s fine, okay.” Scott said gruffly.

“If it was fine you wouldn’t have this attitude,” Kaitlyn bit back. “Scott! Talk to me.”

Tessa gripped the handrail. She knew Scott. She knew that pushing him to spill his thoughts never worked. She’d always have to coax it out of him with a gentle squeeze of the hand and a reassuring smile.

“I can’t! You wouldn’t understand anyways.”

“What that supposed to mean? A relationship means that you’re open with the other person.” Tessa could hear Kaitlyn’s fingers jab the elevator button repeatedly.

“It’s just difficult having you both in the same place, okay?”

“And you don’t think this is at all hard for me?”

“What part of this is hard for you,” Scott asked angrily.

“Did it you _ever_ think about what it’s like for me? To compare myself to _her_?”

At this point in the conversation, Tessa had heard enough. She wasted no time in returning to her room, Kaitlyn’s towel clutched tightly in her hand. She briefly contemplated going on a stroll along the ocean to clear her mind as she sat on her unmade bed.

Next thing she knew, a cool ocean breeze had tousled her hair as she reached the rocks that line the water's edge. Somehow, she was not surprised to see Scott sitting on one of the rocks staring out at the waves. She clambered over the damp rock to sit beside him.

“I’m fucking it all up T,” he whispered solemnly. Tessa looked out at the reflection of the moon on the water.

“Maybe…” Scott rested his head on Tessa’s shoulder. “Or maybe, you’re just figuring it all out.” Tessa ducked her head lower nudging his forehead with hers. He looked up at her. His eyes still held the light brown look of innocence from when they were just seven and nine.

She could feel herself tremble as his breath tickled her lips. A loud knock made the scene dissipate into a cloud of mist.

The knock echoed again waking Tessa from her slumber. Her heart ached as she stumbled her way to the door. Wrenching it open, she found herself face to face with Kaitlyn.

“Hi, sorry… Sorry if I woke you,” Kaitlyn said tentatively. Tessa ran a hand through her hair, watching Kaitlyn rock on her heels, leaning forward as if to see into the room from where was standing.

“It’s okay, what can I do for you?” Tessa asked, shutting her eyes for a long blink, purposely opening the door wider for her to see.

“Oh uhm, I was wondering if you knew where Scott was. He was gone when I woke up.”

Tessa yawned. “He probably went for a run, he always goes for a run to clear his head when he’s tense.”

“Oh.” Kaitlyn stepped back from the doorway, her face a little puzzled as she studied Tessa for a moment. “Thanks,” Kaitlyn shoved her hands into her pocket smiling lightly. “See you in the morning.” She heard her whisper “tense” under her breath as she walked away.


	3. Chapter 3

She didn’t see Kaitlyn or Scott until later the following evening during dinner. He entered the hall with Kaitlyn in tow, eyes picking out her table with ease. The music echoed loudly through the small bar packed with the usual evening crowd. The tables were repositioned into clusters, allowing for a small dance floor already crowded with tipsy joy. Drinks were already being passed around when Johnny, Miku, and Michael joined the table. Kaitlyn and Johnny fell into casual conversation, blissfully unaware of the conversation Tessa and Scott were having in silence a few seats over.

_‘You look nice’, Scott said through a once over glance._

_‘Thank you, you as well’ Tessa replied through a slow blink and a chin lift._

_‘Need another drink?’ through head tilt._

_‘Nah, pretty buzzed’, through lip bite and an averted gaze._

Scott knew she wanted to dance by the way her eyes drifted to the dance floor. Impulsively, he interrupted the conversation occurring beside them. “You want to dance Tessa?”

Tessa froze, tearing her eyes away from the packed dance floor to look at Kaitlyn. From her peripheral vision it seems as though the whole table was doing so too.

Kaitlyn chuckled awkwardly. “By all means, you don’t need my permission.”

Tessa’s eyes fluttered back to Scott’s, “I would.”

Scott took her hand as they slipped into the crowded dance floor. Tessa couldn’t help smiling from the way his hand still ( _and will always_ ) fit just perfectly into her’s. They don’t say a word to each other but instead allow their bodies to move as one.

At first Tessa was aware of being watched. But as her eyes meet Scott’s, everything started to fade, leaving the beat of the music to vibrate through their bodies. She tucked one hand behind his neck, letting her other hand slide down his chest. They moved like the always did, Scott leading, Tessa following, chemistry infatuating. Tessa rotated in his arms, allowing his hands to graze her exposed midriff and him to tuck his head into her shoulder inhaling her like man going through withdrawal. She rolled her hips back with his to the music and he spun into a close hold.

By that point, her skin was sticky with sweat and the alcohol coursing through her blood left her carefree. She wished the moment with him right here would never end; just the two of them dancing forever. Unfortunately, the song faded and she seemed to crash back to reality.

He loosened his hold as the song faded, their bodies remaining pressed together. His face was just inches from hers, his eyes locking with hers for the second time on the trip.

It was that look ~~\--~~ that look from that night, it made her blood boil. With a firm hand on his chest, she pushed him back with all her drunken might.

“Don’t fucking look at me like that,” Tessa growled. The air was suddenly suffocating and she ripped out of Scott’s hold, starting for the door.

She pushed out the first set of doors, tumbling through the second before stepping out into the pouring rain. Sheets of icy cold rain drench her in a matter of seconds and she has to squint through the storm to judge her direction. She jumped as a hand grabbed her wrist.

She knew it was him almost immediately, but she didn’t tug away. She couldn’t let this go on anymore.

This was it. It all came down to right now.

“Scott,” she choked out “I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what Tessa?” His voice urged her to look at him, and with a gentle squeeze he attempted to get her to face him. “I have no idea what the hell just happened, but come back inside.” The rain deafened any possible response as he tugged her towards the castle.

Tessa pulled back. “I can’t keep pretending.”

Every part of her body ached with tension as she pleaded with him, “We can’t go back there Scott…” Tessa pulled back in the other direction.

All of the confidence he gained earlier from the myriad of alcohol seemed to disappear. In its place, red hot anger bubbled up, threatening to explode. “Jesus christ Tessa! It's pouring and cold! Did you not learn your lesson from earlier today? Whatever you were planning on doing out here can be moved inside. Now stop being so goddamn stubborn and come back.”

Her body shook uncontrollably and she forbid herself to give him credit for being cold. She ripped her arm out of his grasp and he tumbled back, no longer pulling her forward. “YOU. You did this to us.” Tessa stomped off as a bolt of lightning flashed to their left only seconds before the thunder boomed around them.

Scott stared at her, pausing for a second to let her words sink in. “I did this?” The thunder overwhelmed the rhetorical question as he shook his head. “I honestly don’t know what the fuck you are talking about.” He’d never been this way with her but he couldn’t find it in himself to stop. The rain soaked through every article of his clothing and the mud squished beneath his feet and into his shoes. “So care to enlighten me? Or are you just going to continue to be absolutely ridiculous?”

Tessa forced the air into her lungs. She wiped the tears that mixed with the rain meeting his gaze. Somehow she found her last shred of courage. In an tiny exhale she murmured, “I love you.” She watched as the confusion on his face set in as he stepped closer, closer. “I love you...but you couldn’t wait for me.”

The statement shocked him and he blamed his muddled mind on his next actions. Her cheek felt cool against his palm, all the rosiness from earlier gone. He tried and failed to wipe the tears that mixed with the rain. Of course reality shoved its way back into his life moments later. His mouth ran faster than what his inebriated state could keep up with. “Fuck.” He mumbled stepping backwards shakily.

“W-What-- What are you talking about? You don’t-- you don’t love me.”

“I do, Scott. And I can’t keep pretending like it’s not eating me inside to watch you with her.” Tessa pointed towards the castle. Her voice was sharp as she mentioned the girl in the bar. The one girl that she truly believed was better than her. She shook her head, “I can’t do it, I’m not strong enough---,” her next words were stilted and uneven as she took in a breath. “--to let you go. I’m sorry.”

“You told me you liked her.” He bit back. “I got your ‘blessing’ or whatever that was and now-- now you tell me this?” Scott’s hands found their way into his dripping hair on their own accord. The pain of her revelation burned him. “Why the fuck did you not tell me earlier, huh?” He was being cruel-- he saw it in the way her shoulders tensed against the impact of his words. “I feel like this is something I deserved to know. Aren’t we supposed to be communicating or something? Or are we just reverting to expecting to read each other’s minds like this is some kind of storybook fairytale? Because newsflash Tessa, it’s not.”

(He knew that it was a low blow, and mostly untrue, but he felt crazed.)

She couldn’t breathe as her shoulders shook through the tears and her lips trembled. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t-- I didn’t choose this” She squeezed her eyes shut, narrowing the world around her to only Scott. “But I love you.” she whispered again.

His heart stuttered. “We can’t-- you can’t Tessa. You can’t love me.” The lie crushed him, adding yet another load of guilt to his conscience. “I think you’re just afraid.”

_Nice going Scott, way to completely demoralize one of the most important people in your life._

The weight of her confession combined with his actions tipped him precariously towards the edge of no return. “Y-You don’t know life without me.” The feeling was mutual. “And y-you’re scared of what that could look like. I know you like Kaitlyn and she--- she likes you and...”

Scott couldn’t even tell where he was going anymore. “I think you’re just confused.”

He watched as she bit her lip to hold back more tears before turning on her heel, stalking back towards the castle. Part of him knew following her would be the stupidest of ideas, but he did so anyway. By the time they’d reached the entrance, she’d practically collapsed under the weight of her emotions. Luckily he had half the mind to catch her, years of being attuned to her sending off warning bells in his head. The two struggled back to her room, trying not to buckle from the outcome of their actions.

Tessa held the door frame to stabilize herself trying to get the key in the lock. She missed once, twice, by the third time Scott had placed his hand over hers, guiding the key in the lock. Somehow, she didn’t scream at him or kick him out, but instead they both tossed off their wet clothing in silence.

She handed Scott a towel without making eye contact before she turned her back to him.

When she was facing him once more, he’d found a seat on the floor, towel wrapped around his shoulders, dress shirt laid out to dry on the heater. His back was stiff against the bed frame, knees bent and close to his chest. Tessa walked opposite him, resting against the wall.

She waited for him to return her gaze, intent on keeping somehow bringing closure to her heartbreak. When he finally did, she let out the breath she had been holding, “Don’t you feel it too?”

Every part of him wanted to say yes. Each and every cell making up Scott Moir wanted to scream it from the rooftops for everyone to hear-- including Chiddy. But he couldn't. The words would not come. “I can’t.”

The silence was even more thunderous than the storm raging outside. As soon as they were out in the air, he wished he could take them back. Everything he’d said that night reaffirmed the exact reason she shouldn’t be with him (that she deserves better, his inner voice murmured spitefully.) She couldn’t love him. He had to do whatever he could to stop her from making her life miserable.

“Tess, you know I love you. I always have.” He pulled the towel closer to him as if to shield his body from some invisible attack.

“I can’t ask you to not be with her. Because you would never do that to me. But Scott… we need to make some kind of decision and stand by it for the rest of our lives. I’m not saying that decision has to be today. Or tomorrow. But if we don’t we’re going to keep hurting each other.”

“We are going to hurt each other either way.” His tone was ruthless. So much for being level headed. “You need to-- you need to move on.” He thanked the slight slur in his tone for completely blocking out every inhibition within him to stop. At that point, he couldn’t even look at her like she deserved. His Tessa was being so strong and all he did was take her declaration and void it as if it was nothing more than an exchange of pleasantries. “We have always loved each other--” “

Scott, you can keep lying to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. I know you feel. I know you fucking feel it and that’s why you can’t even look at me.” Tessa moved closer to him as he continued to avoid her gaze. By the time she was right in front of him, she had already pulled his chin to meet her eyes.

“You don’t know shit Tessa.” His response was flat and lacked any kind of conviction. Their faces were inches apart and he couldn’t look anywhere but those deep hazel eyes. “And if you knew what was good for you, you’d leave it alone and get over this silly crush.”

Future Scott would forever regret that instant and the haunting stillness that followed. The fire that he’d put out of her in the beginning reared once more and he could feel her slipping through his fingers.

In that moment, Tessa thought she’d lost her mind. Maybe she didn’t think at all--that was the only thing she could possibly suggest to justify her actions that followed. She leaned closer, narrowing her eyes.

“Get over yourself.” She pushed her lips to his. Scott reciprocated immediately (like she knew he would), lips were strong and steady against hers.

She knew it was wrong. She hated that she had to do this. But she was right and she needed him to admit it.

She expertly nipped his lip. Her body vibed under Scott’s hands that had found their way to her body. She could feel him lose himself to her, rendered helpless with every swipe of her tongue. When Tessa pulled back to slow, he lingered with a few more soft kisses. His eyes fluttered open to meet her and she could tell she had broken through to him. But he’d hurt her and she has to hit him where it hurt.

“Do you kiss your girlfriend like that?”

Scott blanched. The taste of her lips was slow to fade along with the enormity of what had just happened. One second he was on top of the world, and the next everything was scattered on the floor around them. His eyes steeled over. “I--”

His mouth opened and closed like a fish, and he felt like if it had been any other time, the motions might have even been comedic. “Always.” (see: a blatant lie)

But now they were both riled up, the tension cracking around them. “Do you often kiss taken men?”

Tessa’s mouth dried at the blow. He knew it never happened, knew how much just the mention of the “affair” brought up old insecurities. This comment didn’t feel like the other ones did, this one was below the belt. “That was low.” Tessa pushed herself up to a standing position. She walked around to the other side of her bed sitting on the edge. “I think you should go.”

When his presence failed to leave she felt the tears threaten to fall again. “I get it. I know that I don’t compare to her.”

Scott felt another layer of self-hatred settle over him as he watched her go from pissed to crushed. He’d done this to her, caused her all this pain. God, his mother would be so disappointed in him.

Well, he feels like his mother would be more along the lines of murdering him for ever treating Tessa the way he was, but he didn’t want to think about his imminent death in Ilderton.

For the second time that evening, he leaned over to wipe her tears, having a much easier time without the torrential rain. If his thumb remained for a few beats longer than necessary, she ignored it. “It has nothing to do with her Tess.”

In all honesty, she shouldn’t even be letting him touch her.

The two sat quietly until Scott struggled to his feet. “I need you to let me go Tessa. We both know that’s the safer option.” Tessa nodded slowly. Scott walked over to the heater, pulling his shirt on. He then shuffled back to Tessa and stood tall in front of her.

She stood to match him and glanced up. “I’m really sorry.” She instinctively buttoned up the top button on his shirt, resting her hands flat on his chest. He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead echoing her apology. Her hands slid down his arms and fell into his waiting hands.

The minute he stepped out of the room, he’d be leaving with their relationship (or whatever people called it) in tatters on the floor around them. Most of the damage was on him and he didn’t know how to move forward from this. “You are too special a woman to let your heart be kept captive.”

(He wondered where this Scott was an hour ago.)

As if afraid to further upset some cosmic imbalance, he delicately tucked a wet strand of hair behind her ear. “You don’t have to be scared. I’ll-- I’ll always be here.” He worked so hard to keep his resolve from crumbling. “And there are so many others out there who are waiting to be wooed to the moon and back by Tessa Virtue. Just you wait, ok?” He’d do anything at that point to save her, salvage what he hadn’t already destroyed. “It’ll happen.”

She squeezed his hands and her lips trembled involuntarily.

She wanted it to be him. Never in her 26 years of living had she ever been this honest with herself about what she wanted, _needed_ long-term. She wanted to say it to him again, tell him again that she loved him in hopes that the response might change. She wanted him to hold her and tell her it’s okay. She wanted him to be the one to hold her heart indefinitely. He’d made it quite clear now though, it won’t be him.

She’d resolved It won’t be anyone then.

Little did she know, if she were to say it again, it might break the wall Scott had so carefully put up. She opened her mouth to say something but closed. A rough breath shuddered through her and she closed her eyes before releasing the grip on his hands. The small part of Scott that hoped for her disapproval from his assurance left with her exhale.

_Of course she wasn’t going to admit anything you jackass. You trampled over that fighting spirit you love so much with nothing more than a few choice remarks and insults. You. Don’t. Deserve. Her._

“I should -- uh... I should um let you uh-- get to sleep.” He mumbled, hand rubbing his neck nervously. “Thanks for the uh-- the towel.” He added lamely. Nothing was going to fix this and he’d already gone and fucked up everything good in his life so why not make sorry ass excuses of conversation?

She accepted the towel as he turned to leave.

“You know— my biggest fear in telling you was messing everything up...and I think I did just that.”

His hand hesitated on the cool brass. “I think we just need time. You have so much good coming for you, T. And all those suitors? Lining up waiting for you at the baggage claim.” Scott knew the joke was a piss poor attempt at lightening the mood. “You won’t need me too much.”

Tessa gave him an empty smile. “I wish you could see what it’s like to see you from my eyes. Because only then you’d might understand why I feel the way I do.”

He turned to face her and for the first time tonight she could see a tear roll down Scott’s cheek.

“You’re kinda short.” He attempted to tease again. But the hoarse tone of his voice easily gave him away. He brusquely wiped the evidence from his face. “I’m not really much to look at. That’s what Andrew Poje is for.”

Scott could tell she was not exactly absorbing the humor, but much like earlier, he couldn’t stop himself. “You might need to get glasses.”

Not letting Scott take away from the gravity of her words, she opened the door to let him out, refusing to respond to his joke. When she closed the door behind him, Tessa sank against the heavy wood, unaware of the mirror image of Scott on the other side.

He couldn’t tell what was worse. Tessa asking him to leave, or Tessa leading him out. As his back met the the hard surface behind him, he came to the conclusion that the later stung more. Yes, he understood that he had created the large rift that hung between them by downplaying every emotion and feeling presented, and yes he’d hit her where he knew she’d hurt the most for no good reason other than to chase her away, but his heart still throbbed painfully for her. Call him ridiculous but he’d never be able to fall out of love with her. He hoped that she would. That she’d move on with someone who could treat her so much better. Who could love her without boundaries or media attention. She deserved a life where someone didn’t accost her.

His head hit the door with a muffled smack. The long forgotten liquids from earlier (it seemed like eons ago) seemed to roll uncomfortably in his stomach. Oh boy would he in for it in the morning.

Feeling the door shake behind her Tessa realized he was sitting on the other side. She held her hand over her mouth to muffle the uncontrollable sobs that escaped her. Her eyes stung and lungs ached.

She must not have been doing a good job covering them up when she realized Scott had whispered her name.

“Tess.”

Tessa reached up and unlocked the door. He opened it just enough to slide beside her, pulling her into his arms. They remained intertwined for longer than could be deemed platonic before she pulled back.

“You should stop opening your doors to strangers you know,” Scott swallowed. “They’re the ones who hurt you the most.”

Tessa managed a chuckle. She allowed herself to rebuild her strength in his arms. He might be the one that broke her down, but he was also the only one who could put her back together.

“I know that you can’t stay, but please don’t leave me like this.” Tessa rested her head against his shoulder while he stroked her arm. She felt him lean forward a few times momentarily resting his head on hers. It was closer to morning now than late night and Tessa knew it’s far too late for him to return without excuses anyways.

“You know I can't stay.” He whispered brokenly. He also knew it's futile to deal with a livid Kaitlyn at this hour as well. Not to mention the fact Tessa was clutching him like she’d float off into oblivion had he gotten up and left. “Why do things have to be so complicated huh? Why can't you hate me? I really need you to hate me.”

Her utter lack of outburst worried him. He deserved to be left in the back room of the Ilderton skating club for the rest of his days with no light or air conditioner. But here she was, eyes fluttering around the room and back to him intermittently. She held a slightly unfocused gaze most likely due to alcohol. He had to get her to bed soon.

“Because you’re you...and I’m me. And we don’t do that to each other.” Tessa felt drained, like she hadn’t slept well in weeks.

 _Probably because she hadn’t_.

She reached up and rested her hand on his cheek, gently grazing her fingers down his jawline, index finger running over his lips. She couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss, the way his lips fit into hers-- so easy, so gentle yet strong.

He could sense the exact instance she begins to fade from him. “I think it’s time to get you to sleep, huh?”

His voice wavered with each syllable, but he focused more on her, pasting on a watery smile. Her touch felt both agonizing and wonderful keeping him at least halfway grounded.

Pressing a kiss to her knuckles, he lifted her up into his arms making sure she was still nestled against his chest. It took him a few wobbly steps before he set her down on the unmade bed. She seemed too sleepy to even fight him on it, burrowing under the heavy covers with a happy sigh. Scott knew by the tight grip of her hand that she would not let him leave, but after a lifetime together, he knew the tired woman would not be able to hold consciousness much longer.

“You’re too good for me T.”

“Scotty,” she murmured, her voice sounding like it did when she was child. Her eyes fluttered to stay open. “You know you don’t have to do anything...just ‘cause it’s the right thing to do. Or because it’s expected or not expected...you know that?” she squeezed his hand tighter to will him to listen to her.

“I know.” He mumbled, running a hand through her hair, untangling the knots that had formed from their evening’s excursion. Almost by accident his hand cupped her face, tenderly stroking a thumb across her cheek. “But I always do the right thing. That would make me a bad person if I didn’t” He couldn’t even tell what he was referring to anymore. “And I will always try to do right by you.”

Tessa swallowed hard, her pounding head refusing to let her form more tears, but her lips trembled anyways as she added, “Sometimes the right thing...isn’t what’s right...or makes you happy.” She didn’t want to go over this again, beg him to love her. She just wanted him to know that was okay to break the rules; that was okay to pick her.

Another stab of pain rippled through him. “My Tessa.” His thumb resumed its path over her face, urging her to sleep. He didn’t know how much more he could take before he fractured beyond repair. “Sleep, ok? You’re exhausted and need to rest up. Don’t want all those old people out runnin’ you tomorrow.”

She knew the inevitable is coming. He was going to leave and go back to her. Tessa reached up and folded her arms around his neck pulling him down to her chest. Their breaths synced without even trying.

Tessa ran her hand through his hair. Her mouth moving before her mind as she slipped closer and closer to sleep, “I’m sorry...but I love you.”

She felt the vibration of his words against her chest but she was asleep before she heard him.

As her arms relaxed their hold, the dam broke and he swiped roughly at flow of tears that dripped down his face. “Me too, Tessie.” But she had already submitted to a peaceful slumber, face slack with a sense of freedom. “I-- I love you too.”

Scott slowly untangled their intertwined hands, making sure to tuck her in so she didn’t get cold. He retrieved a glass of water, aspirin, and small bucket from the small ensuite bathroom and placed it on her side, Stars On Ice show memories of similar situations resurfacing.

Before leaving, he smoothed a hand over her forehead, relishing the lack of worry lines. “Maybe in another universe we could have been Canada’s power couple.” The joke fell short, but he continued on. “I hope that one day, I’m at least half the man you deserve. Cause you deserve the moon and the stars and right now-- right now all I can give you is some sorry ass excuse for a twizzle.” She didn’t budge.

Without thinking he kissed her forehead, lips idling on the soft skin. “And I’m sorry.”

Scott’s touch roused Tessa from sleep. Not enough to open her eyes or respond but she heard him. She wished she could tell him how he was more than she deserved, but those words were left for another day as slumber pulled her deeper.


	4. Chapter 4

The door creaked noisily behind him as he entered their room. He hand tracked the wall as he practically tiptoed to the bathroom. In the darkness he could make out a lump in the sheets.

_Kaitlyn._

Oh god, he hated himself for what he did to Tessa. But he also felt a sense of regret and shame wash over him when he remembered he'd left his girlfriend with no warning for the entire evening. So he slipped into the bathroom to shower, more than ready to rid himself of the dirt and grime (physically and mentally) in the shower.

By the time he'd finished, his watch read “4:30” and he'd decided that sleep would not be in the cards that evening. Instead he scrubbed his face, and downed a glass of water before attempting to climb into bed without disturbing the one other person who'd been hurt by him in the span of two days.

As he closed his eyes all he could see was Tessa. _Tessa in her black dress. Tessa at the pub. Tessa in his arms dancing_. _T_ _essa. Tessa. Tessa._ He felt guilty thinking about her with Kaitlyn asleep beside him but he couldn’t stop it. It repeated in his head like a broken record. Now more than ever he wished he could talk to his mom, his voice of reason whenever he thought he’d made a terrible mistake. She’d always been the one to help him through the toughest moments.

Right now though, he was pretty sure even she wouldn’t know what to do.

Eventually the images of Tessa faded into dreams of Tessa, giving his body (but not his mind) a rest. It was the cruelest punishment he could deserve. The dreams repeated themselves time and time again, ranging from desirable moments to some of his worst nightmares. Several times he woke up in a sweat, confusion sweeping through his features as he grounded himself in place.

In the end he gave up, choosing to instead watch as the sun slowly crept its way through the small cracks in the curtains. Even with the new day he knew that his life lay in shambles around him.

When Kaitlyn’s arm curled around his bicep he almost had to hold himself back from shoving it off. He’d never felt more torn in his life; not even when Tessa went under the knife for their careers and boy, was he torn then.

“Is everything okay?” Kaitlyn asked him.  

Scott tried to find appropriate words to give her some sort of an answer. Okay, was certainly not what things were right now. He covered his eyes with his hand. “I-I’m sorry. I hate to say this to you but I really can’t explain it.”

Kaitlyn frowned, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. “Scott you need to talk to me.” She turned on her side to face him, face taut with worry. “You can't just run off like you did for a whole night and then come back and act like everything's ok.”

He sensed the steel undertone of her words, hardened by his actions. “When you are in a relationship with someone you have to communicate. Why don't you want to communicate with me Scotty?”

Scott rubbed his hand over his eyes. She did that a lot, remind him of commitment because they were in a relationship.

_When you’re in a relationship, you have to go to parties you don’t want to go because of the other person. When you’re in a relationship you make an effort even when you don’t want to._

Scott wondered when being in a relationship became this difficult.

“I wish you’d trust me enough to let me deal with this on my own.”

The look of hurt that crossed her face is enough to make his stomach drop. “What’s mine is yours and what’s yours-- while I guess that’s all yours isn’t it?” She tossed the covers to the side before clambering out of bed, not bothering to even wait for his response.

“Why did you take me on this trip, hmm?” In pursuit of her clothing she stopped, back to him. “Because this whole time you’ve been nothing but moody and upset about something and no matter what I do I can’t seem to help you.”

Scott sat up. “Kait…I’m sorry. It’s just Tess and I; we’re both still adjusting to… normal life and…”

Kaitlyn turned around. “Then talk to me about it. Don’t go and do things behind closed doors with her and call it coping.”

“I-- nothing even--”

“Don’t tell me nothing happened. You leave with no explanation, right after dancing with her I might add, and then don’t come back until dawn? I’m not stupid Scott. Everyone and their mother knew where you were last night.”

“Kaitlyn, let’s not make this about Tessa.”

“Scott, Tessa’s only the half of this...we’re never in the same place.”

“We’re here right now, that’s something isn’t it?”

“God you are literally so thick.” Kaitlyn groaned. “I guess this is just going to be some one-way relationship then. Where I give you everything, and you give nothing in return.”

“What do you want me to give you? I go to your curling matches. I hang out with your friends. I don’t know what you want.” He was legitimately baffled at her current complaint. He’d put a lot into this relationship, more than his most recent.

“You need to want to do these things, not have to because it’s a commitment.” Scott stared blankly as she pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to hold it together. “It’s not enough just to go.”

“Is a relationship not a commitment?” Scott asked her.

Kaitlyn sighed and sat on the edge of the bed her back to him. “Scott, I don’t want to be the person you end up with because you were too scared to do what you really wanted. Commitment is only part of a relationship...commitment falls into place with the other things.”

“And I’ve done those other things Kait! That and more. Bringing you as my plus one is something I’ve never done before. Just- just ask Tessa! I’ve never made so sure that my part in a relationship was as solid as it is now.”

Kaitlyn was silent for a while before whispering. “You’re just not the same with me...than with her.”

Scott couldn’t answer that. He was starting to get frustrated with this circular argument. “A-Are you jealous?”

She almost scoffed. “Are you serious right now?” The air between the two of them grew cold as the brunette stared incredulously at the man she thought she knew. “Jealous? Fucking hell Scott how could you say something like that?” Tugging on a random shirt, she turned her back to him once more.

“It’s almost as if there is something to be jealous of.” Kaitlyn bit the top of her lip to keep from crying. “So... Is there? And don’t you dare try to lie to me.”

His lips trembled as he tries to find the words to answer her. “Last night...we… before there was never…” Scott rubbed his hands nervously trying to explain, “Sochi. We had plans after Sochi. Plans made years ago, that somehow we’d figure it all out after we stopped competing.  And I guess, I was the only one that thought the plans were still in place. Well that not really what she said, she said ‘That she’s not ready.’ And I told her that 17 years was a long time to not be ready. And she cried, I made her cry.” Scott’s words continued to flow out, “She begged me not to walk away, that time apart will help her.” Scott swiped the tears from his cheek, “And then I asked her again, I asked her for a solid answer. And she said no.”

“When was this?” Her voice cracked, betraying the hard exterior she’d fought to maintain. “After Sochi yes but you and I-- that was during Sochi. You gave me your number in Sochi. Jesus christ we hooked up in Sochi.”

And if it had been any other time she would have laughed as he struggled to find the correct way to phrase his answer. “Because then-- then I’m a rebound.”

Saying the words aloud hurt more than she thought. “I was there and she wasn’t **,** so I was easy.” Her actions became hurried as she fluttered around the room almost frantically. “How is it that you and I were talking about marriage not even a week ago and now you’re telling me I was nothing more than some Tessa stand in?”

“I-I was really not expecting a lot of things to happen the way **they** did in Sochi...and I’ll be the first to say that I made a lot of reckless decisions. And yeah, maybe we started off that way Kait...but it was never my intention for you to be a stand-in. I wanted a real-adult relationship with you. I didn’t want to play games or anything...you were solid. You wanted this to work and I was ready for that.”

“Do you just--,” she took a deep breath, afraid to say the words out loud. “--not want it anymore? Because the way things look right now you keep pushing me away and closing me off and I don’t know how to help. I want this to work Scott. I- I love you and I’m willing to make it work. As long as you are willing to do the same.”

“You just told me commitment isn’t enough, how, in what way are we not in the same place? Because I don’t understand why putting in the work for this relationship and doing things because ‘we’re in a relationship’ isn’t working? What is it going to take? Because personally I don’t know if I’m the one that can ‘make you happy’ anymore.”

“No I said that commitment is only one tenant of a relationship. Communication, trust, _respect_. All of these things with commitment make for a healthy relationship Scott. And sometimes I just feel like we’re either damaged or missing things in some areas. I told you earlier that you need to start talking to me instead of bottling things up and getting angry.”

With a deep sigh she let out a shaky chuckle. “You make me very happy. I wouldn’t fight so hard for someone who didn’t make me happy. I just want you to try more ok? I see you do it in other relationships and I just don’t understand how I, your girlfriend, am any different.” A few shuffles forward had her perched on the edge of the bed, her hand tentatively finding his. “We can build a life together. Like we talked about. You, me, a nice house. Maybe kids. We just need to both want it.”

Scott couldn’t stop hearing Tessa in his head. Tessa reminding him that what’s right isn’t always what will make you happy. Tessa telling him he could make a decision for him and not anyone else. “W-wh-what about me…and being happy”

Kaitlyn stared up at him her eyes sad, “Don’t I make you happy?”

Scott put a hand to his throbbing head, he had to tell her. “Yesterday night--”

“I need you to answer my question,” her lips stretched into a firm line as she watched him. “Because if I don’t--”

Her words hung heavily in the air. “So please just tell me now. Because the last thing I want to do is make you miserable. I love you too much to watch that happen.”

Scott seemed to ignore the statement choosing instead to play with her fingers. “Scott,” she murmured sharply. “We owe this to our relationship.”

He mindlessly took her hand into his. Scott knew what it felt like to hold her hand, but for some reason he couldn’t place his hands between his fingers without them feeling small. He rearranged to fit them a different way.

Kaitlyn slowly removed her hand from his.

“I think you really need to think about things because as much as I want an adult relationship right now...I want marriage down the line. Not a see where it goes relationship. So...do what you need to do but figure it out because where we are now isn’t working.”

Scott noted that this was the second ultimatum he’d been given in one day. He thought the first sounded less threatening.

“That's a lot to--”

“That's nothing Scott. We've solved nothing. Gone nowhere. I want answers because that's what adults do. Adults talk about things when they aren't right. I don't know why you can't just grow the fuck up and talk. Your mother warned me you'd get like this. At least tell me that you're willing to talk because all you're doing is lying down like we were some casual fuck.”

She watched as he opened his mouth, poised to respond but she plowed through him. “And don't even try to tell me I'm more than that. This entire trip has felt like some casual “oh just come chill with me and my insert title here partner” because I happen to have space. For god sake a man asked me if my brother was fighting with his girlfriend. Just take a gander at who they might of thought was the girlfriend in this situation. Here's a hint, you chased after her into the pouring rain and then didn't return.”

About halfway through Kaitlyn’s rant, Scott stood up, anger and frustration coursing through his veins.

“First off, my mother.” He squinted at her before continuing.

“Second, you wanna talk? Let talk. I don’t know how to get dressed and walk around let alone what I want to do. I can’t stop thinking about how messed up everything is and I haven’t really slept since Sochi. Does that feel better now? That we’re communicating?” He felt himself acting irrational as his tone escalated.

“You know how else things are fucked up? I bought a house. I used half of my life-saving and I bought a house. A house that needs renovation-- a shit ton of renovation. I--I have no schedule after September and I’m going insane. I have no job, no money and I love you and I love her and everything is a fucking mess.”

“What did you say?” Kaitlyn asked, her tone even.

“I-- I love both of you”

The room fell into an uncomfortable silence. Kaitlyn felt the breath leave her lungs as he hung his head guiltily.

“You told me before we even got into a relationship that you point blank did not care for your partner in anyway but as a best friend.”

“It’s really complicated Kait, it’s all just a mess in my head. And I just want to make everyone happy--  no matter what I do I’m always hurting someone.”

“If this is what I think it is-- then you and I are going to have a real big problem on our hands.”

Scott looked at her noting the crease in her forehead and the worry in her face. “Am I not allowed to love Tessa? You know she’s my skating partner, you know that 17 years is no joke. We’ve been through a lot together. Of course to an extent I’ll always love her.”

Kaitlyn nearly groaned. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about. Don’t try to dance around this question of love Scott. You can love us both but you can only end up with one of us. So you gotta figure out what you want.”

“I can’t believe you’re trying to make me pick. Tessa is a part of me.”

“Jesus christ Scott I’m not asking you to pick between us like that and you know it. So stop acting like I’m this evil villain who is giving you no choice--”

“Can you stop being jealous of her!”

Kaitlyn scoffed, mouth open in shock. “ You seriously think I’m jealous of her? I just didn’t think that my _boyfriend_ would be a liar. Do you love her or do you love me? Not in the ‘well she’s my partner’ way bullshit. Love her Scott. Like I thought you loved me.”

“Is that what you _fucking_ want? Do you even care about our relationship anymore? All of this bullshit about ‘let's have an adult relationship’ when you don’t even trust me.”

“I can’t trust you because when you’re with her, I don’t even know you. You disappeared for a whole night with no explanation and then refused to tell me what happened or what had been going on this entire trip. How can you and I have an adult relationship-- house, marriage, kids-- if you can’t even talk to me?”

The blank look on Kaitlyn’s face almost stopped him. “Sometimes I feel like you just want me to fit the role, be the curling husband that follows you around while you chase out you dreams. I’m not going to do that.”

“When have I ever asked you to stop skating Scott?” Her voice was hoarse, and they both could tell she was holding back tears as her voice dangerously teetered between calm and chaos. “I have never, ever asked you to give something up for me. I would never ask you to not skate with Tessa or to stop competing even though it means we **would** never see each other.” She wiped the few escaped tears away with her sleeves. “That’s downright cruel to assume. We talked about this Scott. So don’t act like I’m throwing it all on the table now.”

“No, you never asked me to stop skating but did you once ask how I was coping with the fact that my sole purpose in life for the past however many years is over. Tessa gets it because she’s going through it too.”

After a few moments to collect herself, she continued. “You wouldn’t talk to me Scott. I asked you if you were ok, I tried to get you to talk to me, to your mom, to anyone! Nothing I did got you to open up to me, so how was I supposed to help you? And don’t think that now that you and Tessa have all but retired, she’s going to stick around. We both know she’s going to travel the world even after you two stop competing.”

“So what are you trying to say? I need you for when Tessa picks up and leaves? And what, every time we have a communication issue in our marriage you're going to call my mom?”

“How am I supposed to do anything when you don’t talk to me?!” She could feel the anger rising in her throat. “You won’t communicate with me no matter how hard I try! I worry about you, and so does your mom so excuse me for asking her for help. As if any sane person wouldn’t do that. Even Tessa’s gone to your mom for help before. You know that time you ignored her after she cut her legs open so you two could keep skating? She told me all about how you didn’t even come to visit her when she needed you the most so she reached out to your mom for help. I guess this issue isn’t specific to me then.”

“Don’t you dare bring that into this, you don’t know what it was like. Yes fine, I have an issue with communicating. BUT your way of “lets guilt Scott into talking about his issues” is not working. And I HAVE talked to my mom about it. And she knows. And-- and I don’t want to bring my problems on top of whatever stress you have going on so it’s just easier for me to deal with this on my own. Okay?”  He slipped on his shoes. “And if you compare my career with Tessa to every part of our relationship, that’s not going to work either.”

“All you do is compare me to Tessa! Something you promised me you’d never do. ‘Oh well Tessa did it this way,’ or ‘Tessa gets it because x, y, z.’ I can’t seem to do anything right by _you_. I’ll never be enough for you no matter how hard I try.”

“I think you make a lot of this up because you compare yourself to her. You're so worried that our relationship won’t be as strong as the one I have with Tessa. I’ve already picked you, but you don’t have the confidence to accept that you're enough.”

Her face crumpled. “You think I’m making this up?” The tears tracked down her face steadily as she kept her eyes trained on the floor. “I thought I was confident about this Scott. But no matter how hard I try-- and I do because you fight for a relationship with the people that matter-- you don’t seem to be all in anymore. I just wanted to know what happened last night and why you’ve been weird this whole trip. We were so good not even a month ago. And now-- now you won’t even kiss me. Help me fix this, lets fix it.”

Scott shook his head before heading for the door without another thought. He’d take the blame later for a lot of the fall out of their relationship.  


	5. Chapter 5

Scott chose a seat alone at breakfast, several tables over from people. He doused his pancakes in maple syrup taking generous bites. About 5 bites through, he noticed that Silvia had sat across from him. 

“Hi,” Scott said, swallowing hard and washing down the too big bite with coffee.

Silvia smiled at him warmly nursing her cup of tea. “Tessa’s in love with you, you know.” 

Scott opened his mouth to say something but instead shoveled another piece of pancake instead. 

“I know, she told me.” He finally answered after another scalding sip. 

Silvia sipped her tea and raised her eyebrow.  She was silent as she dipped a cookie in her drink. “Kaitlyn told me your relationship is falling apart...”

“It did.” 

“And what are you going to do now?”

“Finish my pancakes, go for a run.” Scott replied nonchalantly. He wondered how this women had managed to insert herself into the thick of their personal life so flawlessly without being intrusive.

“How about you finish your pancakes and go talk to the wom **a** n who has spent all morning staring out at the ocean and wondering how she managed to ruin the most important relationship in her life.”

“What?” Scott dropped his fork.

“I’m telling you that maybe you’ve lost one relationship but if you don’t act soon you’re going to lose two.” Scott stood up, knocking over his coffee.

“Oh sorry, I-” Scott grabbed a napkin in attempt to sop up the mess that was now dripping down to Silvia’s side of the table. 

“Forget it, forget it. Just go.” She waved him off. 

He seemed to freeze for a second, unsure of what to do. With another wave of the older woman's hand he took off, tearing out of the room without a second thought. People cleared out of his way, frowning as he fought his way past. 

“Scott?” Michael called after him. 

Scott ignored them, pushing his way through the main wooden door. His mind was completely clear, set only on the goal of reaching Tessa. He didn't even think about the sand that filled his shoes and lack of outerwear that failed to protect him from the biting wind. 

“Tessa?” He glanced around frantically, the waves crashing deafeningly around him. “Tessa?!” He scurried up and down the shores. 

He ran along the coastline watching the waves crash over the sand. Finally, he spotted her in the distance sitting cross legged on a rock. His pace slowed as he drew closer. He shoved his hands in his pockets as nerves bubbled over him. 

Her dark brown hair fluttered with the wind as she stared out at the waves. She was pretty sure she’d ruined everything making her wish that she wasn’t so brave last night. Like the waves, she’d built up her confidence and let it all out in a crash before fading like a ripple into the ocean.  She thought ignorance perhaps would hurt less than this. 

She jumped when Scott cleared his throat. 

He of course used humour to mask his nerves, “Is this rock taken?” 

Tessa stared up at him with those bold beautiful hazel eyes and his breath caught in his throat. 

“No-- no of course go ahead.” She shifted to the side allowing him to slide next to her. 

The two sat shoulder to shoulder in complete silence, nothing but the sound of the sea echoing behind them. 

“Scott I--”

“Listen Tessa-”

Both quieted immediately. An unusual awkwardness grew between the two. Scott sniffed, taking the leap to start again. 

“So um...” He fiddled with the ties of his sweatshirt nervously. “What called you to the sea today?”

“I needed some air,” she said with a blink. 

Scott fidgets with his hands, “So, you’re clearing your head?” 

Tessa nodded. “I-I’m sorry...yesterday was a little brash.” 

Scott nudged her gently, “You mean big bold life-altering confessions isn’t something you do everyday?”

He watched as she refused to meet his eyes. His stomach dropped. 

“I didn't mean to-- force everything like that on you. So suddenly too.” She chuckled humorlessly. “And you have a girlfriend. What the hell was I thinking?”

“I think you did a pretty good job, it was confident. I’ll give you that.” He smiled at her and leaned forward to provide support as she continued to not meet his eyes. 

“Tess, look at me.” 

She refused to cry, forcing her body to remain stiff and shut off. “Confident that I ruined us? What an accomplishment. I single handedly destroyed a 17 year friendship in one night. Go me.” To try and keep her emotions somewhat in check, she leaned closer to the sand, using a stick to draw random images. 

Scott placed his hand on the small of her back sweeping it upwards to her neck and dipping into the curve for a gentle squeeze. “I’m still here.” 

Nervously Tessa turned her head too fast her nose brushing Scott’s. She let out a tiny gasp, immediately pulling back.

“Do I make you nervous T?” He asked with a childish smile in a singsong tone.

“Stop.” She murmured flatly. “Don't--- don't act like we can just go back and pretend like nothing happened.” 

“Tessa--”

“No Scott,” Tessa finally looked at him, fire burning deep in her eyes. “I don't want to play this game.” She sucked in a breath, digging through herself to find the courage to continue. “Please-- please can you let me go?” She cursed herself as her voice wavered. So she cleared her throat, turning to look at him like he deserved. “I think we should take some time. Because-- because I have to move on but I-- I can't do that when I'm around you.” 

“I--I broke up with Kaitlyn. Or she broke up with me because of something I said… but it’s over.” 

“What did you say?” Tessa’s eyes widened. 

“It's not important Tess. Just... know we aren't together anymore.”

“So that's it?” She began to back away from him. “Oh my god. I should have never-- I should've never said anything. I gotta find Kaitlyn. I have to talk to her-- this is my fault.”

“Tessa. Listen to me!” He grabbed her hand before she moved any further.

“It’s my fault.” 

“It’s not. It’s mine. She doesn’t know about last night. We-we broke up because...because--” suddenly his mouth was bone dry and he couldn’t spit out the words. Tessa read the sentiment on his face. 

“Tell me what you said,” she whispered.

“I just lost it with her.”

Her face fell and he hurries to pick it back up. 

“But it wasn't really because of you Tessa. I swear you only jump started a long overdue process.”

“But don't you see? That wasn't for me to do! That wasn't my place to get involved and I did and now look at where we are. Sitting by the ocean with an ‘unbreakable friendship’ lying in shambles on the floor.”

“We’re not broken Tessa.” He pulled her forward holding her one hand in front of him. Her eyes shut and a gentle tear rolls down her cheek. 

“I don’t want to be the reason that you always break up with someone.”

“You've never been the reason.” He felt her head tip down, chin tilting towards the ground as the tears dropped to mix with the sand. “Tessa Virtue listen to me.” Scott's voice grew hard. “You are not the reason.”

“Then what was, hmm? Tell me Scott. Why did you break up with Kaitlyn?”

“Because at the end of the day, she’s not the one I see myself with. I can’t see myself moving in with her, or marrying her, or her have christmas with my family. I don’t see that at all. And she wants that now-- she wants to move in together and get married and have kids. She’s not willing to give me time to think about wanting those things with her. I’m just supposed to know. And with her I just don’t.”

Some of her previous fears were alleviated with his admission. But she knew he was still avoiding a big part of the actual reason. She didn’t push him though. Knowing that to do so when they were both so highly emotional would be stupid. “I'm-- I’m sorry Scott.” She stepped away, trying her very best to play the supportive partner role. “She was a very nice girl.”

_ Tessa Virtue would not be his rebound again. Not when her entire being ached to be touched by him.  _

“I should-- go.”

“O-okay, I-I’ll see you at dinner.” He stared after her as she dusted off her leggings and took off without a second glance. He wanted to go after her. Every cell in his body yearned to pull her back into his arms and kiss her. She meant everything to him, and watching her walk away felt like he was letting her go. 

A gust of wind knocked some sense into him and he found his way back to the castle. He wasn’t surprised to find his room completely empty, Kaitlyn nowhere to be found. He pulled the curtains shut to drown out the light and crawled into bed sleep taking him almost instantly.

The slam of a door in the hall awakened him. He sat up and ran a hand threw his hard. He noted that it was the first time in months he’d slept for longer than an hour without waking up or nightmares.

A glance at the clock on the nightstand told him it had only been a few hours. The sun continued to shine low in the sky. His stomach rumbles painfully, reminding him that dinner must be soon. Briefly he wondered where Kaitlyn had run off to. The two had a flight home together and lunch with his family. 

Of course she'd probably skip out on that. 

Shaking his head he quickly changed out of his running clothing, throwing on a simple pair of slacks and a shirt (which, he noted, Tessa mentioned she loved some time ago.) He doesn’t even think twice when he leaves his room 5 minutes early. 

He considered picking up Tessa for dinner, but over and over again he reminded himself that it probably wouldn’t be the best idea. So instead, he walked down to the dining room alone. When he arrived, Silvia flagged him down practically dragging him to her table. He wasn’t sure if he was glad to see her or if he should pretend like he hadn’t noticed. 

“Okay now listen,” she lectured with a wagging finger. “You’re on the right track.”

“Right track?”

Silvia nods. “You're getting there. Slowly but surely.”

Scott frowned. “She told me earlier that she blamed herself. And that I should... I should let her go.” His eyes fell to the floor almost bashfully as if the elderly woman had seen right through him. “I don't think-- I think she regrets it.” 

“She regrets it because she doesn’t want to be the reason that you broke up with Kaitlyn. From my talk with Kaitlyn though, it seems as there were other problems there. Nonetheless, remind Tessa how special she is to you regardless of romantic relationship. That’s all a girl ever wants.”

Scott’s eyes were magnetically drawn to Tessa as she walked in. He couldn’t help the slight inhale as he recognized the dress she was sporting. It was her gorgeous red dress that she always wore with matching red stained lips. 

_ God, he’d love to kiss those lips again.  _

As she neared, he snapped out of his gaze, standing to his feet to pull out the chair for her. 

“Tessa dear, you look lovely this evening.” Silvia greeted as she awkwardly took the seat from Scott. The table quieted as he pushed her chair in. He knew that the palpable tension between the two could be felt throughout the entire group causing some discomfort among them. “I think red is beautiful on you,” another women added.

Taking his seat besides her, he ignored the obvious tense in her shoulders as he nodded. “Always has and always will.” He agreed, pointedly ignoring the weird looks he received following his comment. 

Tessa whispered something to him under her breath but he was too busy trying to decipher Silvia’s eye motions and head tilts. 

“Pardon?” He leaned closer. 

“Nice shirt,” Tessa couldn’t help her heart race a bit as the smell of his cologne.

“Oh uhm thank you,” Scott ran a hand over his chest smoothing the invisible wrinkles. He decided on a whim that he needs a drink to calm his nerves. 

“Can I get you a drink?” Scott noticed Silvia nod with a smile at his question.  _ Is she trying to coach me?  _

“Uhm, you know the one you got me a couple of nights ago? The sweet one?” 

Scott smiled at her, “I’ll see what can be done.” 

The grin he receives in return is enough to make his heart flutter. He shoots out of his seat, nearly knocking over the water glasses in front of them. 

“Someone's a little excited. How impressive to know on the first try.” Silvia added offhandedly. 

“It’s taken years to nail Tessa’s taste buds,” he said with a boyish grin. He tossed her a sheepish look before scurrying away. 

Tessa traced the pattern on the cutlery hiding her amusement. She’s always loved Scott’s easy-going disposition, the ability for little things to fill him with childlike giddiness. He returned a few minutes later, two drinks in hand. He delicately placed the glass in front of her, gifting her with a tender look. “Wine for the lady.”

Not long after, the main course made its appearance. Scott noted the way Tessa picked at her dinner, much too polite to send it back. But her disdain for red peppers went far beyond the ability to pick them out of her risotto. 

“Switch plates with me, you’ll like the pasta better.” 

Tessa looked up at him she communicated without words.  _ Are you sure? _ He nodded his head and blinks slowly,  _ positive _ . They swap plates quickly and quietly ensuring that no attention is drawn to them. A part of him cheers inwardly as she took a few bites. 

“So Ms. Tessa, with the trip almost over, what are your plans to take over the world once we return?” Michael smirked at her from across the table. “I heard something about some Olympic skier from Miku.” 

“Michael!” Scott chokes on his bread as Miku jokingly slapped her husband’s arm. The group looked to Scott as he apologized for disturbing the conversation. “Anyway--,’ the musician shoots him a weird look before he returned his eyes to Tessa. “Retired ice dancers must have some plan.”

It takes every cell in his body not to glare at Michael. “I think that questions like that are a little too deep for dinner.” He says finally, tossing his napkin onto the table. 

Tessa takes a generous swig of her wine before placing her wine glass down a little more forcefully than it deserved. “Ex olympic skier. And EX boyfriend.” Michael blinked at her. She tried to feel bad about the awkwardness that followed the conversation but instead decided to focus her energy on pushing away from the table.

“Sorry I just need to run to the ladies room.” 

Part of her wished that less people would ask her about her future because, while it should be exciting and exhilarating, it was downright terrifying. The past year hadn’t been the easiest-- sure she had also spent the last few months of it booking it solid to try and find some normalcy. But she hadn’t found it yet. She really didn’t want to cry over something so stupid as this but she couldn’t help it. Between future plans and bringing up Ryan, her emotions had gotten the best of her.  

Tessa wiped the tears from under her eyes in the mirror attempting to protect her eyeliner. After several deep breaths and motivational self coaching, she snuck out of the bathroom. One look at Scott waiting for her outside made the tears brim in her eyes again and she walked into his waiting arms.

“Tess?”

“Can we go for a walk?” She choked out. 

He nodded and took her hand, leading her outside. 

The salty air felt nice as they ambled slowly under the light of the moon. “What’s up T? Hmm? What’s going on in that crazy mind of yours?” He applied a gentle pressure to her hand, reassuring her he was in her corner. 

She sighed and looked out at the waves curling and falling and then back at Scott. “I-I haven’t slept since Sochi...well...I haven’t slept well. I just can’t shut off and my body is exhausted and I can’t sleep. I can’t physically fall asleep.”

He knew all too well what that was like. “I haven’t either.”

And the effects are obvious. Even in the dark he could make out the dark circles that framed her eyes. She looked so utterly worn out and he just wanted to fix her. 

“And I don’t know. Michael asked and I don’t know.”

It broke him to see her like this.

“How about last night? You seemed pretty gone by the time I left.”

“I slept till about 5am, then I needed someone to talk to and the only one I could think of was Silvia. And then I talked to her till about 6am and fell asleep in her bed.”

Scott felt hurt knowing she couldn’t come talk to him even if it was mostly his fault. “I don’t know either. You know that right? You’re not the only one who doesn’t have anything figured out.”

“But I’m me. I’m the girl who’s had everything planned into perfect little boxes in her agenda. I feel like the world has this expectation for me...and I’m failing every single one of them.”

“You don’t have to meet anyone’s expectations. You’re smart and dedicated and you’re going to get anywhere you want to go.”

Tessa looked over at him, the genuinity in his voice calming her. Looking at him, really looking at him, she noticed the dark shadows that line his eyes much like hers. “You haven’t slept either.”

“You caught me.” He chuckled awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “But no-- no sleep for me. It’s more like it just doesn’t want to happen. You’d think that even after not sleeping for days it would eventually take me down kicking and screaming.” 

It was her turn to comfort him now, her attention solely focused on only his eyes. “You don’t have to sugar coat it for me Scott. I understand. Funny how we worked so hard for our dream and in return all we get is a medal and a molotov cocktail of issues.” 

“Why don’t they tell us how messed up we’ll be? Why isn’t there a disclaimer on the brochure? Yeah you might one day get worldwide success but you also might not sleep for months after and fall apart at every stab at your confidence that took so long to build up.”

“Cause who would do it?” 

“I don’t regret it, I want to make that clear. Not at all not in a million years. I just I want be happy again.”

He stopped them, turning her to face him. “I want you to be happy again too Tess. And I will do whatever I can to see that smile on your face. So just tell me.” His voice dropped  a little, almost getting lost among the breeze. “What can I do? Cause I’ll do it. Want me to stand on my head? Become a pair partner with Chiddy?” 

The small blush that warmed  her cheeks gave him the courage to keep going. “Want me to forget all about everything that’s happened this trip, consider it forgotten. You want me to leave I’ll leave.”

“You don’t have to do anything but be here. I just want you here. Scotty, I know you're broken. Let me in.”

The emotions that he’d shoved in a box from the morning fought their way back up, threatening to burst. “You already have the key Tess.” He replied hoarsely. One of his hands shot up to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear before settling on her cheek. It’s the same motion from the night before but... but it felt different-- more distant. “I just- I’m scared.”

Tessa blinked slowly at him.  _ I’ve got you.  _ She reminded him. She watched his lips tremble as he struggled for the words to tell her. 

“I don’t know who I am without skating.” They finally come out slowly and pitchy. Tessa’s heart constricted with pain. She wanted to hold him tighter.

“You’re Scott Moir. Goofball and skating extraordinaire. You’re the world’s best uncle and son. You are dedicated and driven. You, Scott, you are everything with or without skating. And don’t  _ you _ ever forget that.” 

Scott moistened his lips, choked up by his confession and Tessa’s validation. Her eyes were full of comfort and support. Eyes that he would tell his deepest darkest secrets to again one day, no matter how difficult it might be. 

It takes two seconds for him to close the gap between them, lips briefly meeting under the glow of the night. He felt the weight of his actions leaning heavily on him, transporting him back to the previous evening. But he knew the action was wrong her so he detached himself slowly, their foreheads pressing together. “I didn’t mean to-- I’m sorry.” His voice is barely even a whisper. 

She decided to ignore him, folding into his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around her.    
  
“We’re gonna fix things T, we’re--we’re gonna get help.”

“Okay,” she agreed squeezing him a little tighter because somehow-- in his arms admitting that something was wrong-- didn’t seem that difficult.

He pressed his nose into the crown of her head, wanting nothing more than to stay like that all night. Three words lingered deep in his throat, and he wished that he had the confidence to voice them to her (see: tell the entire world that those small, insignificant syllables meant everything.) But no matter how hard he tried they would not escape his lips. One day, he might be able to tell her. When their relationship wasn’t hanging on the thinnest thread of twine, threatening to snap with the lightest of actions. But for now-- now he’d start rebuilding the most important connection in his life. 

“Tessa you're cold.” 

She giggled, accepting his jacket as they returned to the castle with promise that things were going to get better. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with us the whole way through. Next installment will be out soon. Follow love-is--pain on tumblr for updates.


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